I have always taken pride in making a home. Not a show palace in perfect white with not a thing out of place, mind you. But a HOME…a refuge and fortress. A comfortable place where people live. Heck, it is so important to me that PanKwake has accused me of being ‘obsessed with cleaning.’
Then along came RA. Rheumatoid Arthritis.
I have not been able to actually get the whole house clean since we came back from Legoland…five days ago. Oh, I try. I start something. I get part of it done…and I have to quit from the pain.
Last night, I was soooooooooooooooo proud just to get a load of dishes into the dishwasher and my counters straight in the kitchen.
Mind you there was lots more to do. Much more to do than I had done. But at that point, I had been up since before 6 a.m. with PanKwake. Walked her to the Lido at Black Pill to play with friends for a couple of hours. Walked half way back home. Cooked dinner for Cookie Monster and made her food too. I was exhausted.
But I knew that if I left the kitchen a disaster zone and had to face it first thing this morning when I got my cup of coffee…it would be demoralizing. So I bit the bullet and while Cookie was in a meeting, I got the kitchen what I call….good enough for government work.
Today we have Mog for several hours. And I am hoping to FINALLY get my world back in order.
But these days that does not work the same as it used to. I cannot just blitz things…working for hours at a time with little to no breaks. No, now I must work a bit. Usually 20 minutes to half an hour. Then take a break that is almost as long. I use that time to check emails, Twitter and Facebook. Then another small bit. So forth and so on until I just can’t go anymore. Hoping I get the job done…but too often failing.
Depression is listed as one of the symptoms of RA. But as with anxiety and autism, I am not sure but what it is not a result rather than a symptom or co-morbidity. I mean this kind of not being able to do what needs doing, not feeling that you are making any contribution to your family, and in my case just the general messiness takes a toll on anyone.
What makes it so much worse is that there is so much left to be done in terms of the move…painting, cleaning and organizing. We still live in only about half of the rooms in #HomeCrazzyHome.
I began the playroom over a month ago. And it still is not finished. Probably about 90% now. But that last 10% requires me to sit in the floor most of the time. The last time I did that I paid for it that night…and the next two days.
Sometimes it seems that it will never get done. If I cannot even keep pace with maintaining what we do have finished…how can I ever get more finalized?
I have an appointment next week to see my GP. To find out if there is anything more she can do until I am seen by the specialist. And of course, I know that RA can be put into remission. I am holding onto that hope.
But for now? It is one day at a time.
So while PanKwake and Cookie are still asleep and the pain meds have finally kicked in, I better see if I can use this time to make a small dent in it. Maybe get her gaming/art room clean as that is where she is likely to stay once Mog arrives.
Wish me luck!
The Frustrated Homemaker
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