I Told You So…

Oh sometimes…sometimes…I just HATE being right!

But I was.

PanKwake melted down last night. Not once. Not twice. But three times. Or maybe it was all just one BIG one. Especially since it was all the same thing…


Food has always been one of her ‘things’. I mean this child has three dozen things that she will eat. Maybe four these days…thanks to the Will It guys from Good Mythical Morning!

Thanks to their YouTube videos this child began to explore food. of course, we had to as well. But it was worth it. PanKwake even tried…

Sushi!!! Yes, Sushi!

I mean I could just about list ALL her foods here…

  • 20160914_162012Dominos pepperoni pizza and potato wedges…sometimes the little Chicago Town individual ones will do
  • Joe’s Nutella sundae…we had to bring the special cups home with us to make it in though
  • Or Birdseye waffles with nutella
  • Or Nutella tacos (Yes, I said Nutella tacos…from a Will It Emily trial that we all did…Cookie Monster says they will taco too. Not me!)
  • Mere-Mere pasta…mac-n-cheese made a special way that her older sister taught us
  • Jacket potato with butter, cheese and sour cream
  • Streaky bacon…extra crispy
  • Herta hotdogs with LOADS of ketchup and a dab of mustard here and there
  • Spaghetti with butter and salt
  • Chocolate Rice Krispy bars
  • Wotsits
  • Walkers salt & vinegar crisps
  • Ferrero Rocher chocolates
  • Babybels
  • Kit-Kat
  • Flakes
  • Grill cheese sandwiches…with the individually wrapped fake cheese mind you

…and few more that are less common or harder to find like…

  • Mint Coronetto
  • Heinz vegetable soup (don’t get all excited here…you have to blend it so she does not see or taste the vegetables and then mix it half-and-half with tomato soup)
  • Uncle Ben’s pilau microwave rice
  • Chocolate milkshakes made with Ben & Jerry’s fudge brownie ice cream and topped with loads of whipped topping, chocolate syrup and sprinkles
  • And of course…PANCAKES…which is how she got her name…drenched i.e. half a bottle of maple syrup AND a whole can of whipped topping…and that crispy bacon too.

Seriously, when she was in nursery the cook would make her something special. Do everything she could so that PanKwake would not throw her plate across the table. They spent months just working on getting her to not throw her food.

When she was in school…well, they did not bother to tell me that she would not eat anything they gave her. Not until the last month. They asked me to send food with her that she would eat. Then we got into a fight because at that time it was McDonald’s pancakes. But I was not ‘allowed’ to send McDonald’s or Flakes or any of the stuff she would eat.

But that was not the worst. When she was about five, she went through a phase where ALL she would eat was Philadelphia cream cheese. Yes, I said…ALL! For months. At the time, she was scheduled for her first 24-hour telemetry for the seizures at the supposedly ‘best’ world-class hospital. When the nurses saw what we brought for her, they asked if she was on the ketogenic diet…one of the last resorts but best treatments for childhood epilepsy. We said no…but I have always wondered if her body did not put itself on the thing. I mean she ate between four and six tubs of it a day…and almost nothing else.

So I guess it was no surprise that it was FOOD that was the ’cause’ of her meltdown last night. As I said…I know it is not. Just that after big events like Oakwood she has not yet mastered emotional regulation enough for a ‘soft landing’. I knew it was coming though.

But I was tired. I have a cold. A nasty one. And I was not in the right mindset. Thankfully, I am not a single parent anymore. Cookie Monster actually handled her and me better. He got up for the first one…and distracted her. For the second one, he calmed me afterward. And the third one…

Well, after the third one…she took Billy, her iPad, a pillow and blanket into the linen closet outside our bedroom and fell asleep on the floor. Yes, I know that might be considered ‘child abuse’. Except she does it to herself. She prefers the tight space and dark when she is overwrought.

It was after 5 a.m. when she finally did that and I had only napped briefly between them. But my body absolutely refused to let me lie-in. Not past 9 this morning anyway. So I am up and pouring it all out to you.

Then I am going to make a shopping list of all the strange things that she rarely eats and get those from the store before she wakes up. She said last night that she was tired of the same old things. But she was not up to a Will It Emily.

In the past when this happened I have made her three things, put them on a plate, blindfolded her and let her try them all. But she was not up to that. I have also found myself wandering north London streets at 3 and 4 in the morning looking for something she would eat…pushing her in the buggy. only us and street people awake at that time. Heck, I have taken a taxi down to the 24-hour Tesco and back. But she knew what she wanted that time.

It will come though. She will learn to self-regulate her emotions. She already is. How she managed the meltdown was so much more controlled and aware of danger than she used to be. We are getting there. It just takes time. I know this.

But that does not help at 3 a.m. when you are tired and sick…and she is screaming…I’m starving. And the words…What do you want? Send her into complete…


I am so grateful that Cookie held it together for the both of us. Another reason to love that man…as if I needed anymore. Oh well, I better go and make that list now. Because PanKwake could be up soon. It can’t be comfortable sleeping on a hard wood floor. Only solace…she got 16 hours of sleep the night before.

But today is a fresh start…she blew off that energy. So it’s time to go again on this roller coaster we call…LIFE!



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