But for me, I have always been more of a…
But over the past couple of weeks, loads has been happening. And I realized that some people still don’t get me…people I thought understood.
So this is not explanation. This is more like background information.
I was raised Christian…Methodist mostly, but dabbled in Baptist, Presbyterian, and even Catholic. And like NeuroRebel…none of them fit.
You see one thing you should understand about me…
I was born with a mind that questions EVERYTHING!
I have been accused of ‘overthinking’. To which my response is always…
No, you don’t think enough.
The one thing that bothered me most about all of them was…
People going to church on Sunday but being just as two-faced, back-stabbing, and uncaring as everyone else the rest of the week. And for me…religion ought to change you. Make you a better human being. I ain’t seen one yet that does.
In my late teens and early twenties, I was angry. Angry with a god that would allow this. Perhaps I still am, but it does not consume me the way it once did.
Then my first husband, the intelligent, upper class, atheist sold out his heritage and ‘found Jesus’. Funny, I always think…I never knew the man was missing. I resisted for a year as he went to church…three or more times each week. But in the end I too succumbed.
The next decade from my mid-twenties to mid-thirties, it was like a bad re-run on television. The same thing all over again…the bible says one thing…and the Christians do another.
What was hardest for me was losing my best friend. That was what attracted me to my husband…his mind. For the first time in my life, I had found someone who questioned the status quo as much as I did. Who thirsted for self-knowledge and meaning to it all.
Yet when he got saved…he checked that magnificent brain at the door. He just accepted whatever bullshit the preacher dished out each week. And trust me, it would have been easier if the man had cheated. There is no winning when god is your husband’s mistress. When you and the children are nothing more than second best…if that.
So I turned my back from my roots…
Once again I could not tolerate the hypocrisy. But I found another love…
Science…in particular…psychology. I was exposed to it at college through a couple of course, but I became obsessed with learning more…especially about why I do the things I do. One phrase in particular hit home…
I was expert at knowing exactly how others perceived me…what they thought of me.
But unlike this definition, I was coming to a point in my life where I just did not a give a…
Over the past two decades, I have been through CBT, psychoanalysis, DBT, and probably a bit more. But I always left my sessions with the shrink thinking…
Yeah, I knew that was WHY I did it….so how do I change it?
And so began my second disillusionment.
Of course, I was NOT giving up. Ever on that constant search for truth…for meaning…for purpose…for answers in life…I turned to…
This one is new…less than five years old. Unfortunately, it has the same failings as religion…I can’t stand the arrogance of modern philosophers. They look down their upper-middle class noses at everyone else.
But I have not yet completely abandoned this one. I have just turned more towards Pop Philosophy. I find truths in movies, books, and music as well as everyday life.
While I have skimmed most of the biggies…this remains my favorite…
In my many side paths to this knowledge, I took an online course called ‘The Mind is Deep – Surprisingly Shallow Nature of Human Psychology.’ The premise was that most humans make decisions based strictly upon gut instinct…and that this is not a bad thing. That upwards of 90% of the time that first instinct is the right choice. This is the result of evolution…when our ancestors did not have the luxury of ‘overthinking’. Their very existence depended upon making quick decisions.
Of course, being me…who questions EVERYTHING…I was more worried about that 10% of the time.
The point at which I lost interest in that course was a study where the researchers gave participants two photos of the opposite gender and asked them to pick which was more attractive. They then went on to other things for a bit but came back to those photos. They asked the participant to tell them why they had chosen that one. Catch was…
The researcher handed the participant the WRONG photo.
The one they had not selected. Yet almost everyone made up reasons why they had chosen the one they had not chosen.
People were that inured to authority that they would justify the wrong choice.
My friend Jenn Foster shared this meme yesterday…
I think it is a fairly accurate judgement of our society.
Except for a few people…those are my tribe.
They too ‘overthink’ everything. They question everything that others just accept as fact. They would with a smile hand that photo back and say…I’m sorry. There has been some mistake. This is not the one I choose. And if pressed by the researcher, they would leave.
I am the type that ‘takes my ball and goes home’ often. And I don’t see why that has a bad connotation.
Life is too short to just go along with the crowd. You need to pursue YOUR passions. Those things that you believed in.
And let others pursue theirs.
One thing that I do think is confusing about me is that as strong as my gut is…and while I do almost always follow it…
NOT WITHOUT THOUGHT…Deep Thought!
I don’t listen to or accept anything…religion, psychology, or philosophy…nothing without a strong argument. I pick everything apart…even and especially my own beliefs.
One of the reasons why writing my non-fiction books are taking so long is the thorough research that I demand goes into them.
RadiCool Unschooling Your Neurodivergent Child is not just about what works for PanKwake…it requires a background in the history of education itself, the roots of the neurodivergent movement, child psychology and development, educational philosophy and research as well as an understanding of the history, laws and methodology behind home education. I demand the same type of solid foundation in everything.
I think where people get confused by me is that I am so radical I can appear ‘New Age’. Even the one belief system which has so far withstood my introspection has the misleading name of Transcendentalism. And yes, it was/is one of the roots of the ‘New Age’ movement with writers/philosophers like Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson. But their simple belief in self-reliance and the basic good of man was far from what we call New Age.
In the end, my spirit, gut, and MIND must all agree.
I will always need to hedge my bets for that other 10% of the time. I will always ‘overthink’…and that is NOT a dirty word. More people should give it a try…the world we live in might be a better place.
Oh, another thing to know about me…principles are more important to me than people. Except for little humans (children). And while that may sound cold and harsh…if you are with the right people…your tribe…they would expect nothing less of you…or themselves.