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IF Acceptance is not the final stage of the grieving process, what then is it?

Back to that definition…

Process or fact of being received as ADEQUATE, VALID, SUITABLE, SATISFACTORY, and RIGHT.

In other others, it is coming to the point that your little human is as perfect as every other one.

Not flawed…or damaged…or less than.

Just different.

The word is neurodivergent…

having a brain that functions in ways that diverge significantly from the dominant societal standards of “normal.”

A brain that functions different from ‘normal’ as defined by society.

The same society that five minutes watching the news will make you realize has gone mad. How then is being different than that craziness a bad thing?

I want to share with you a couple of related words from NeuroCosmopolitanism. I encourage you to read the full blog for a further understanding though.

Neurodiversity is the diversity of human brains and minds – the infinite variation in neurocognitive functioning within our species.

In other words…no two people think or feel the same…even in the same circumstances. Infinite variation. Which is a good thing as espoused by…

The neurodiversity paradigm is a specific perspective on neurodiversity – a perspective or approach that boils down to these fundamental principles:

1.) Neurodiversity is a natural and valuable form of human diversity.

2.) The idea that there is one “normal” or “healthy” type of brain or mind, or one “right” style of neurocognitive functioning, is a culturally constructed fiction, no more valid (and no more conducive to a healthy society or to the overall well-being of humanity) than the idea that there is one “normal” or “right” ethnicity, gender, or culture.

3.) The social dynamics that manifest in regard to neurodiversity are similar to the social dynamics that manifest in regard to other forms of human diversity (e.g., diversity of ethnicity, gender, or culture). These dynamics include the dynamics of social power inequalities, and also the dynamics by which diversity, when embraced, acts as a source of creative potential.

Acceptance then does not need to be about ‘grieving’ the loss of your ‘normal’ child that you envisioned…and settling for these damaged goods that you got. There are more than enough of these type of #AutismParents in this world. And plenty of justifiably angry #ActuallyAutistic adults who were raised with that unspoken and spoken view of their own existence by those parents.

But it does NOT have to be that way. In fact, I would argue that way does not lead to acceptance at all. Merely to settling…surviving…and coping.

Yet in some ways, this route to ACCEPTANCE is more challenging. Because it goes back to that Heart Understanding…to the need to question what we have been taught to believe all our lives. The ideals and values that our parents, schools, and society have instilled in us…from birth.

In order to do that, let’s examine those three principles of the Neurodiversity Paradigm:

Neurodiversity is a natural and valuable form of human diversity. In other words, autism, PDA, ADHD, dyslexia, and many other things that we have been taught are diseases, disorders, disabilities, and even deformities are not. They are natural. What is more humanity needs these differences.

To bring that down to a personal level, you are not parenting a damaged child. You have a PERFECTLY wonderful Autistic one.

When you can come to terms with that, then your world and your little human’s change. But in order to do that, you have to understand…

the idea that there is one “normal” or “healthy” type of brain or mind, or one “right” style of neurocognitive functioning, is a culturally constructed fiction, no more valid (and no more conducive to a healthy society or to the overall well-being of humanity) than the idea that there is one “normal” or “right” ethnicity, gender, or culture.

In terms of parenting, all those things that we have been taught about little humans…

• how they should sit quietly in their seats to learn…
• how they should respect their elders…
• how they should be seen and not heard…
• how they should just obey without questioning…
• how flapping hands is bad…
• even how expressing emotions that are exploding inside of you is wrong…

All of that is not science. In fact, what we have learned of human psychology and child development often conflicts with parenting and education theories. Yes, what science tells us will produce Happy adults goes against what we were taught is ‘good’ parenting.

But why? Why, if the studies of human psychology and child development have shown that those parenting techniques are not what is good for little humans then why does society keep endorsing them?

The answer is to be found in that final principle…

social dynamics that manifest in regard to neurodiversity are similar to the social dynamics that manifest in regard to other forms of human diversity (e.g., diversity of ethnicity, gender, or culture). These dynamics include the dynamics of social power inequalities, and also the dynamics by which diversity, when embraced, acts as a source of creative potential.

POWER! It is that simple. Society is about power. And specifically about maintaining the power of the status quo.

As far back as Ancient Greece and the philosopher Socrates there has been a conflict between society and the needs of the individual. Between those in power and those who would question it.

In his work, The Republic, by Plato, Socrates is credited with saying…

Justice is merely to the advantage of the stronger, the weak are those who abide by justice.

In other words, even justice is not about what is right or wrong but about power and those who have it define what justice is.

Or in the case of this argument… ‘normal’.

No, accepting your neurodivergent child is not about mourning what you never had…and honestly was never anything more than your expectations. It is not about grieving the ‘normal’ child you did not have.

Acceptance is about a paradigm shift inside your own mind and heart. A view point change that recognizes there is no such thing as ‘normal’. It is merely something invited by those in power. In order to keep that power for themselves.

When you come to terms with that…then your eyes are finally open to the fact that there is absolutely, positively, NOTHING wrong with your little human.

That she is ADEQUATE, VALID, SUITABLE, SATISFACTORY, and RIGHT just as she is.