Quite literally in fact. Yesterday, I slipped and fell on my way to the store. We all do that. Especially as we age. The problem is…I did not get back up. Oh, physically, sure I got up, went back to the house to examine my injuries. But, emotionally, I hide.
In the past, I would have either just gone on to the stores in my muddy pants or at the very least gone home, changed, and gone back out.
Not yesterday, I went home. I cried. I begged for cwtches. And I refused to leave the house. I felt as if the whole day was ruined. As if I were cursed.
Sitting here writing this now, a new day, I see how ridiculous that is. My life now is almost charmed. I have a partner that I love and loves me in return. A daughter that amazes every single day. A lovely HomeCrazzyHome, work in progress though it be. I have friends that accept my Crazzy. In short, I have emotional and financial security as I never have in my life.
So, why does something as inconsequential as a fall get me down like that?
That is the question that has been plaguing me for some time. And I still am not sure I have an adequate answer.
He says that it is a factor of aging. As we get older, not just our physical reflexes but our intellectual and emotional ones as well slow down. We just cannot react or recover as fast as we once did. My friend, who is about my age, said almost the same thing.
But still, that just does not account for the whole thing…
Perhaps another factor is that for the first time in my life I have the luxury of falling apart. That may sound odd… the luxury of falling apart? But when you have others, especially your children counting on you, especially as a single parent, on you alone, you keep going. You don’t dare give in because you simply can’t.
Now, for the first time in my life, I have someone else I can count on. A partner – a FULL partner. Someone who is intellectually and emotionally stronger than I am. Someone that I know will be there, will pick up the pieces. The whole world, at least my world, won’t collapse if I do. So, yes, now I do have the luxury of falling apart.
Is that all of it, though?
Another factor may be shutdown/meltdown. Have I just done this for so long that I simply can’t anymore? Is that carefully crafted mask that I made and wore for a lifetime so broken that it no longer works at all?
This is the question that I ponder as an adult discovering my neurodiversity/autism late in my life. Am I finally paying the incredibly high price of holding my autism inside, pretending to be someone and something that I am not for a lifetime?
The darkside of that coin, the one that haunts me in moments like that, is…so, why can’t you do it now? Has your autism become a cop-out? An excuse? And what if you had known all along? Would you have accomplished the things you did?
Those are the scary questions. The ones that won’t leave my mind.
Then there is…you are only fifty-four. Hopefully, you are only a bit more than way into your life. So, how exactly do you think you can manage the next 50 years? If you can’t even get your fat a$$ up, change your clothes, and go to the shop? Just because you had a fall?
Those are scary thoughts. Especially considering how lucky I am. Just what a good place I am, in life. So, what do I do? How do I manage?
I give into the shit. Then, I wake up to the sun peaking through the clouds. I write about it. Partly to clear my own mind and soul of the burden. And partly, because maybe, likely, I am not the only one feeling this way. And maybe, just maybe, my words will resonate with another soul out there. Another human being struggling to get through a bad day.
And then…then I get my fat a$$ up, off the computer, and I go out there. Out into that big, scary world. I face my fears.
And if I fall again? Well, I know now how slippery that sidewalk is, so I will be more careful. But if I do fall again. I get up. I come home. I hide in him, if I have to. And I try again. Tomorrow maybe? Or the next day? But eventually.
As I told him last night…tomorrow is another day.
Did you know that I chose the name Tara for that reason? Home. Land…this earth. And tomorrow. Just as with Scarlet, those are the things from which I have always drawn my strength.
Except that my partner is the best of Rhett, Ashley, and even Frank. Strong, dependable, and loyal.
Given all that, I am blessed. Not cursed. How can I possibly fail? I have to go now. I think I hear the shops calling my name.
Goddess bless you on those days, too!
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